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Wednesday, July 05, 2006
She's Not There

The song that has been keeping me awake at nights wondering how the rest of it sounded like is looking like it is not a Beatles song at all. The last part of it goes

"and the color of her hair"

and that is all I've remembered and somehow it's been stuck in between my cranial crevices and has been hankering for some level of attention. Thank God for the weekend at Canyon Woods, where Melay (also, group glue), took my concern with all seriousness and tried to contact authorities.

Said song is a song by the Zombies, revived by Carlos Santana and goes

No one told me about her, the way she lied.
Well, no one told me about her, how many people cried.
But it's too late to say you're sorry.
How would I know, why should I care?
Please, don't bother tryin' to find her,
she's not there.

Ooh, nobody told me about her. What could I do?
Well, no one told me about her though they all knew.
But it's too late to say you're sorry.
How would I know, why should I care?
Please, don't bother tryin' to find her,
she's not there.

Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looks,
the way she acted, the color of her hair.
Her voice was soft and cool,
Her eyes were clear and bright but she's not there.
But it's too late to say you're sorry.
How would I know, why should I care?
Please, don't bother tryin' to find her,
she's not there.

Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looks,
The way she acted, the color of her hair.
Her voice was soft and cool,
Her eyes were clear and bright but she's not there.

So anyways I was going to rant about something else in particular but I have now deliberately turned over my stress and sadness to my mother, who is now walking around the house waxing chaotic.

More about Elfenlied, POTM (haha), and how scenes from the anime keep popping in my head during work, like when Kuota and Lucy are now saying goodbye, after Lucy admits to having killed Kuota's father and little sister, and how Kuota says he'll regret it if she'll have to kill more people, but how "the sad girl from when I was younger, and the girl I found on the beach, I love them both," ain't that the sweetest thing you can say to a vitrually psychotic bloodthirsty murderer. Anime rocks!

Appropriately, I am also not really mentally at work recently. Charge it to the Boracay/Guimaras trip, but really, travel sort of wakes up primal urges in people. The rest of the 9-to-5 slaves start looking really drab and boring. I mean, I love my office mates to death, but I am certainly not getting married to that kind of life forever.

And I mean, GFS, bumbling bastard child, is not getting older from all these mistakes. I'm doing my best helping out, but really, if management wants the truth, here it is: there is a table in HR, where they classify employees' degree of willingness and ability to accomplish the work at hand. The merit of the theory being, if you want the happiest workers at your side, get the willing, and the able.

Frankly, hit me for being brutal, but this is it: I am willing, but absolutely unable. I don't know why nobody's been able to see that this far into the battle. Believe it. Looking smart and polished and eloquent is all bullshit.

Before they find me out, however, I'm getting out of here, haha.

Posted at 10:49 pm by ccsantossa
Nasagasaan ka ba?  

Monday, July 03, 2006

Frankly, I'm not feeling well enough to do anything today. I've got a mouth sore that keeps glancing off a bracket wire. I've also got my period on high gear today. I've also been struggling with the bug called quarter-life crisis, and ain't that appropriate it's happening around the time I turned twenty-five.

On episode 11 of Elfenlied (my preoccupation of the moment, a crazy anime about psychotic blood-haired killing machines), the ulitmate diclonius is introduced.

The things I should be doing today include:
1. renewing my license
2. going to work
3. getting my passport processed at the DFA
4. doing mommy bidding about the Citibank contest
5. prepping up the old pc for sale
6. creating the master plan for what I plan to do in five years

The things I think I can do today are:
1. nothing, really, just lay around the house feeling sick

Yesterday, I got home from Canyon Woods (an anti-climax to the heart-stopping views at Boracay and Guimaras, good thing I did not come for the scenery) thinking mostly about what Bianca told me when I ranted about work. That I have to decide, at least, about what I want to do with my life. It's so classic I'm getting tired of the exercise, really.

Get up, move on, do what you have to do. Life is what happens while you're making other plans.

And two words about regret: fuck it.

Posted at 10:26 am by ccsantossa
Nasagasaan ka ba?  

Monday, June 12, 2006
Ang Mahal ng Gasolina

Okay! Enough melodrama! Ang saya last weekend! Walang oras huminga! Ang Crowne Plaza pala ay nasa Ortigas lamang, ayos! Akala ko Makati buti na lang tanga. Nakadaan pa ako sa project ng Smokey's sa Market! Market! At nakarating pa sa Mall of Asia.

Ang daming nangyari! Ikakasal na si Leam, bumalik na si Hershe, nagpakita na si Lon! Gusto ko sana isulat lahat dito pero hindi ko naman kasi buhay yon -- basta ako masaya at madaming kaibigan. Ganyan lang naman ang buhay. Buti na lang wala pang kumplikasyon. Pagpunta ko ng Boracay, don't worry, mag-uuwi talaga ako ng kumplikasyon hahahaha.

Ang saya ng may plano kasi wala ka nang oras talaga mag-isip ng kung anu-anong walang kwenta.

Ang plano ko ay mag-resign sa susunod na pagkakataon, pagkatapos ko siguro ma-groom ang aking magiging kapalit -- puchat ilang taon pa iyon? Bahala na si Lord / Batman, basta ang alam ko kailangang makapag-aral ako ng masters in Psychology para magkaangas magtrabaho sa HR. Hindi man sa HR, kahit sa university -- gagawa ako ng mga paper at experiment tungkol sa ugali ng tao. Saan ang pera don kamo? WALA!

Ima-manage ako ni Bianca kapag natapos ko ang nobela ko, at doon ko kukunin ang aking limpak-limpak na salapi.

Gusto ko talaga mamatay nang maaga kasi sayang oras e. Paupo-upo ka lang, patraba-trabaho, wala naman talagang pinatutunguhan. Lalo na ako, e I could care less anumang mangyari sa trabaho ko. Ganyan kasi ang mga wishy-washy na tao. Hindi mapagdesisyunan ang kinabukasan, sa kangkungan tuloy pinupulot. Exag yon, matino naman trabaho ko, kaya lang syempre mas matino trabaho ko kung gusto ko talaga ito, diba.

Ang saya!

Mixed signals nga lang dahil bibigyan na nila ako ng tao. Okay fine, e di kumuha ng tao. Kaso narealize ko hindi lang tao ang kailangan ko, kundi kapalit. HAHAHA Sasabunutan ata ako ng mga tao sa mga hirit kong ganun. Mukha naman daw akong masaya sa trabaho ko e. Ang sagot ko dun e projection lang iyon, kapatid. Kaya nga may nauulol e.

Anyways, ang araw na ito, although hindi ganoong kaproductive (oo naayos ko ang lumang computer na ayaw mag-boot kahapon -- pero hindi naman magamit ang CD rom nito ngayon -- kainis!), ay masaya naman. Dami ko kasing utang sa bahay kaya kahit naka-set na magovertime ako, hindi ko na rin tinuloy kasi naisip ko -- tao lang akong tinatamad din hahahaha.

Huling alcoholic drink ko na yung kahapon (technically hindi siya drink, nilunod lang naman yung crepe ko sa lumiliyab na Grand Marnier) sa Cafe Breton. Ito ay dahil gusto kong maging 100% pure (sabay kindat). Totoo yan, kapatid.

Excited nako sa pictures nung weekend: marami-rami akong kagaguhang ginawa.

Posted at 01:28 pm by ccsantossa
Nasagasaan ka ba?  

Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Fire in my Heart

There was nothing I could say last night. Only that my mind was my biggest enemy and friend. Two songs by Live, "Overcome" and "Run to the Water," hold much meaning to me right now. There was talk of baptism in two weeks and am I not scared to give up myself like that.

But God allows U-turns. That's what they said last night.

People's struggles are wild and many and mine is just another face in the crowd -- analysis paralysis, perennial indecision, I am inaction's best friend. One need only look inside his heart to realize God has planted a deep, bottomless sense of hope, inspite of everything you previously accused God of, that everything is going to be okay.

I am Queen of Issue Mill.


I can regenerate childhood hang-ups at a moment's notice; there is a reason, perhaps,  why I was born in this particular country, with this particular inclination, with this particular face.

Burahin mo ang pagkatao ko, Lord, has been my prayer for the past two days. I may never be ready, so let's do it now. It's high time. It's twenty-five years and more to come. It's been a life of a single regret.

Posted at 02:40 pm by ccsantossa
Nasagasaan ka ba?  

Sunday, April 23, 2006
From "Sanga"

I’d rather anything can happen than this: falling in love with you. That I was even born marked changes in the universe; it is true -– the sum total of our lives together bring about that end of time when everything evens out. What that future is, I don’t know. Nobody’s supposed to know.

What can be known is what is inevitable: that I have met you somehow and have fallen hard. It is your fault, then. If we took into consideration my past, my personality, the likelihood that I will like somebody like you, there are no chances, really, of that ever happening.

For you are an ideal: I have no dreams of growing close to someone as intense and complete and perfect as you. What use would that serve? And as to me, I would not need you. I am self-sufficient, independent, autonomous. There is nothing in you that I would need.

If there is that, then life would have moved on for me. I have a predictable future: I will have two kids, with a man I think I love, for one does not know what real love is, what it allows you to do, until it is looking at one in the face. Had I never met you, the rest of my life would have rolled on as planned. I will live and die in the safe webs of my habits, my attitudes, my choices.

I have created a cosmic irregularity. I know this because there is no reason, in both the material and immaterial realms, that would require us to stumble upon each other’s lives.

But listen, you could be a tree in your next life and I would still love you. I will still find you. It is a curse for all I know. I lost you already and yet I found you. I stayed away from you and yet I found you. I prayed to the highest heavens to get away from you and yet here I am. Here we are.

Everything’s beautiful if you can love me back. But I am not sure of this. I feel your concern, your fascination with me, but it feels a bit like God watching a sunflower he created. Blasphemous, almost, but I can’t help thinking that.

Was I planned with you in mind? Was that exact moment I was conceived a sure entanglement of our collective destinies? Or were we random patches of humanity that decided, deliberately, purposively, to see what the other was like?

How many decisions, conscious or unconscious, brought me to you? Was it what I chose to eat one breakfast that caused me to walk that road that would lead me to you? Was it growing up fearing people that caused me to dodge the lime light, kicking at the sand, that sent you to my side? Was it the course I took, the shirt I wore, my choice of entertainment?

Who are you and why do I love you? 

Posted at 11:59 am by ccsantossa
Nasagasaan ka ba?  

Friday, April 14, 2006
First Time

This is, technically, the first post in this blog, hence the hasty introductions. The succeeding posts were all at the other blog but you shouldn't bother with it.

That really doesn't look like much, I know, but these are French tips, which I did on my own, thank you very much. Frankly I'm not impressed by what my hand looks like, I'd like for it to be long and mysterious, like an artist's. I've got big, hard worker's hands, which is a big joke, since I can make a living out of staring at walls if a chance presents itself.

Anne (a friend from the Opus Dei center) emailed me about trips to Anilao and some mountain. GFS girls are also going to Boracay some time June, before the birthday. I've got travel in my little pocket of predictions (we do not like predictions but my mother keeps telling me things), and big red suitcases in the dream collage. I'll show them to you sometime. It's also got lots of vegetables and DVDs, and finding some secluded piece of high land, and teaching in the barrios, or at least killing / excorcising people's inner demons.

Let me tell you something about who I was before we get cozy. I am 24 years old. I live in the Philippines and I used to be crazy about becoming a writer. It has become some sort of mad obssession, about getting published, without actually setting the ground work for anything of that sort to happen. I'm like this guy who goes around carrying a business card saying he's a writer but has got like, two articles written some four years ago.

It's also maybe because I'm a fiction kind of girl. And you can't afford to be less than stellar if you're planning to become the next Stephen King. Anyways, you can't plan anything in that department. I will be the next coolest Filipino writer of unbelievably believable sci-fi stories, and I will do all that by accident. Count on it.

Speaking of writers, my claim to fame is that I am friends with a writer the world should watch out for. Her name is Anna Felicia Sanchez (-Ishikawa) and her story, How to Pacify a Distraught Infant, is out in Story Philippines, the big orange one, Fiction by Candlelight.

On the other hand, there's this paper I did during college that told me something about myself I didn't really want to validate at that time. The gist was something about how schizophrenia and poverty had more to do with each other than we think. I lost the paper somehow, but my professor, Charlene Fernandez (who wrote Misadventures of a Disorganized Woman, Milflores Publishing) would probably still have it, if she doesn't discard student papers, that is.

So right now I'm toying around with the idea of pursuing further studies in Psychology, but in order to have the penultimate angas to apply for masters, I need to at least have worked in HR for a couple of years. And that's the plan, if you want the absolute truth.

Nobody's bound to believe it, though. I've also said I was going to be a Marine (now actually it's Scout Ranger, hehe), an archaeologist, a lawyer (thanks to A Few Good Men), and a numerary. None of that happened. Right now I'm Systems and Procedures Analyst for the Big Bad food group's bumbling bastard child: Great Food Solutions. I would like to dazzle you with my position description, but frankly that would be more belaborous for me (and eventually depressing, as you will find out soon enough).

And this is supposed to be a silent kind of week. I did Davao last Monday to Tuesday, and I have to say the plane rides taught me one thing and one thing only: always travel with a clear conscience so you will not be afraid to die.

And there is nothing more disgusting than the feeling of not wanting to die.

I was entertained, along with the Logistics Manager, by the muy simpaticos of the Davao office: funny man Sir Arnel of Sales, all-around asikaso king Sir Gerry, and the solid Mac (of Finance, of course). Mac brought me to the Paradise Island, via ferry, at 6 am in the morning, where he treated me with buko juice and stories of school (he taught accounting courses in Davao: racket!), and where the sand was white and fine and unlike anything I have ever touched before.

That's about it for out-of-town vacations (two hours of non-work-related gallivanting) and kwento-kwento. The night before we ate at Jack's Bridge (?) and had coffee at Blugre (which you pronounce blue-gray, instead of blooger, which I did the first time and did that not sound awful). Lunch was at Blue Spot, where the billiards hall was unfortunately closed for the Holy Week. I would have shown pictures here, but they'll be coming in a while. The Logistics boss caught dysmennorhea on the way and filed for SL Wednesday.

I bought a crate of pomelos and durian yema and bars. I love it when I can do that. Only, I think I ran short of durian yema for the office girls.

So anyways in contrast to the whirlwind of meetings and kamustahan early this week, I think it's going to wind down in a peaceful manner, with me doing my manicure whilst listening to the Seven Last Words, crying at Passion of the Christ, seeing where I left off at reading the Purpose-Driven Life, and wondering whether I can stop thinking for a moment to actually live my life. Thank God for friends to push my ass around. I think too much. That's why I ended up taking an accounting course in college when I was really more innately interested in human behavior, and why I always thought I was the creative, artsy type, when I was really just pathologically different from the rest of the world (which you also are, by the way, if you want to know the truth).

My truth is that I'm dead scared of dying and knowing I haven't done everything I can to suck the marrow out of the bone that is life, that I haven't loved as much as I should, that I haven't loved as much as I've been loved by the people who continue to like me, despite my arrogance and stupidity and flagrant abnormalities.

Hallelujiah! We also talked to a priest this morning and my mother had to ask what he thought about the Judas Gospel (DSL is my new best friend; I do not have cable). He said the first four gospels were written a few years after Jesus's times, while what was supposed to be Judas' account was written at around 200A.D. Period. That's enough for me to know (me, being the operative word, thank you very much).

Posted at 09:19 pm by ccsantossa
Comment (1)  

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Why Eat Bulaga rocks: Vic and Jose Manalo just did four versions of their signature song (the one that goes "sing, sing a song") as opening number. Tipong concert effect ito. With matching naiiyak pa sa dulo. Yung una tipong classic na naka-white sila pareho, tapos next Victorian era naman ang dating, next hip-hop (may turntable pa), last syempre rock (naka-long hair si bossing). Patok talaga! Can't get over it. Sino lang ba sa buong mundo ang pwedeng gumawa nung gumawa nilang kagaguhan at papatok pa? Dito lang! San ka pa? Whoo-hoo!

Why Pride the Detergent commercial rocks: the man does the washing.

Why the Purpose-Driven Life rocks: because somewhere in it was written "The problem with a living sacrifice is that it can crawl off the altar."

Why going to confession rocks: because you can get unsolicited advice that is the only advice you ever really need (and let's not get to the one the priest actually said out loud).

Why I'm not really a writer: because I only enjoyed writing my Comm 2 paper in college because it was about schizophrenia.

Posted at 12:14 pm by ccsantossa

Saturday, February 18, 2006
Fuck the Fire Dog

Attacks from all fronts:

Career - doing work for two and a half superhuman people/ John Wayne/ here I come to save the day/ Hi, my name is MacGyver, can I service you?/

Health - something crazy going on / late nights / late awakenings / late at work / expecting a memo sometime soon / my jaw's whacked / my life's whacked / my molars are going someday / I keep biting my tongue / My bite's wandering / Hello, braces! / Aaack!

Love life - 24th Valentine's Day and no hope in sight/ shall we get into strange relationships again /How are the tangential love affairs? / They got girl friends! / Oh, sorrow, oh bitterness, oh regret / the good thing being there is no time, right now, to think of such things / No time! / No time! / I am cured of the plight of the overanalytical. / These days, I don't think anymore. At all.

Family - touchy / cute and happy and damn glad there is one thing bright and happy about my life; the brother is away at sea, aren't we all sad about that / the last of the balikbayans left last Thursday / sniffle

There's this thing sa bulletin board namin sa office, John Maxwell saying something about how life was like juggling many balls at the same time. However, work is a rubber ball, it will bounce back when you drop it. Things like family, health and the spirit, these are glass balls, that when you drop them, nagkaka-crack and chinks, you can pick them up again pero they're forever changed when you neglect them.

Last Friday, dumaan kami ni Janice sa Stella Orientis. May sinabi si Lord sakin pero sakin na lang yon. Pero I hope it brings you a warm fuzzy feeling like it did to me; I don't know where in the Bible it's written pero it's something about how the Lord knows the deepest desires of your heart, so whatever it is you're going through right now, you have to trust, deep inside you that everything is going to be okay. I've been begging the Lord for that sort of affirmation these days. And that's as close as it'll get, that night at the chapel. I think it's time to stop worrying about the future. Because life is what's happening right now.

Posted at 11:17 am by ccsantossa

Monday, February 06, 2006
Road to Nowhere

I would like for this to change. Life for me, right now, feels like...

  • an open sea
  • running around blindfolded, knowing something terrible is chasing you
  • walking a straight plank that keeps getting skinnier and sharper into the horizon

You know it's going to get better, eventually, but I'd rather it be because of something I did and was aware of, then simply just the natural progression of things. I think it sucks that hormones are responsible for me feeling like this, like I am not my own person, like I'm some sort of test subject the universe seeks to tweak / antagonize / obliterate / zap into sunset.

Posted at 09:39 pm by ccsantossa

Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Mabuhay ang mga Kulot!

Dahil kulot ako this morning till mga a little after lunch time. Trip lang. A little birdy told me na laos na ang rebond drama ng sangkatauhan. Tandaan nyo yan! Papaperm na ako!

Posted at 07:34 pm by ccsantossa

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